Taking Care of Toxic: An (Unconventional) Leader's Guide

I spend a lot of time writing and speaking about leadership. Not because I'm an expert, but because I've been in management long enough to continuously learn from my mistakes, not make them again, and teach others how to do better. Last week, I had the privilege of speaking at the Institute for PR's #DC trustee event on the topic of emotional exhaustion, and how it's affecting how we lead. Halfway through my presentation, one incredible audience member asked if I would return at some point and talk about something else: How to manage toxic clients or employees. "On the flip side of empathy and compassion," she said, "there's knowing where to draw the line and say enough is enough." 

She makes a great point. And, pointed out a weakness in my presentation: What do you do when being nice and constructive isn't working? When do you know it's time to end the relationship and move on? Also, heck --- let's be real: I'm not always compassionate and empathetic. Right or wrong, sometimes I put my foot down. Hard. 

Before I discuss how to handle toxic clients/employees, I need to own my own weaknesses in this area. I don't always get these difficult conversations with clients/employees right. I would say about 60% of the time, I'm spot on. My tone is appropriate, my words are carefully selected, and I'm proud of myself. And the other 40% of the time...well, let's just say I rehearse in my head better than actually delivered. I think this statistic is pretty much on par with most leaders. The reason why we are hit or miss is because we can't control the other person receiving the information we're putting forward. We can only control ourselves. And - as humans - we aren't perfect, so even controlling ourselves isn't fail-proof. Sometimes we fail spectacularly. Additionally, everyone has their own agenda in a conversation. In this, things can quickly go downhill. Especially when emotions are involved and even more so if one (or both) of the parties are offended or out of patience. 

So, when do you know you have a toxic client/employee on your hands? And when do you know it's time to have one of these difficult "we have a problem" conversations? Here are some tell-tale signs you need to take action: 

Your client/employee is....

• Making unrealistic demands on resources/management.
• Demonstrating entitled behavior.
• Demonstrating insubordination.
• Sending unprofessional or off-color communication: Inappropriate/insensitive jokes, aggressive emails, threatening language, etc. 
• Using discriminatory or offensive language. 
• Showcases volcanic tendencies when confronted: Throwing insults, name calling, etc. 
• A lack of accountability/ownership of work or behavioral problems. 
• Constant problems with work performance/delivery. 
• Can't get along with most of the people they work with. 
• Bringing down morale by speaking ill about direct supervisors/other team members.
• Constant slipping back into (previously documented) problematic behavior.

It's important to note that some behaviors, not included in the above list, are labeled as "toxic", but truly just shake up culture (in a good way). I've written about this many times, but discomfort does not equal bad. Discomfort is critical for growth and change. If you have an employee who is - respectfully - outspoken, opinionated, a change-maker, or a "why not?" asker, this is not a toxic employee. This is someone who simply may make people uncomfortable because they are different from other members of the team. Crying at work isn't toxic, either (unless it happens so frequently it's affecting the team). Neither is standing up for something or having a difference of opinion/challenging an opinion. While dialogue around their style may be negative (because of discomfort with change, being called out, etc.), the intention of the client/employee is usually good, as are their ideas and initiatives. As long as it's not hurting or insulting anyone, none of this is "toxic". 

Another point is the separation between behavior and work. If someone's behavior is problematic, but the work is good, you need to decide if the behavior is truly affecting the work. Sure, interpersonal conflict is important to squash, but it's even more important if it's affecting the work flow. For example, it is very possible to be annoyed by someone, but it isn't affecting the work output. This isn't toxic. What would be toxic is a client making age discriminatory comments to an account executive during a pitch, micromanaging employees and then criticizing everything they do, spreading rumors or stories about your boss across the team....(the list goes on), and then the work product either not getting done or being done poorly because of that behavior. It is important to identify how the behavior is affecting the work, because that tie is the difference between universally toxic and subjectively problematic. 

If behavior is truly toxic, it should be immediately addressed. The longer toxic behavior continues, the more people it affects and the worse the problem gets. 

Step 1: Make the Person Aware of the Behavior

Whether it's being disrespectful, insubordinate, or any of the other toxic behaviors listed above, the first step is to make the person aware of the behavior and give them the opportunity to correct it. This is best accomplished through a face-to-face (or Zoom/phone) conversation, where you can clearly relay why there is a problem and what effect it's having. Believe it or not, many individuals aren't aware of their toxic behavior until you bring it up to them. Two things can occur: The other party can acknowledge the behavior, apologize, and commit to correcting it or they can get defensive. If the latter occurs, the best thing to do is to hear the other side and share examples of the behavior that illustrate the problem. Usually, if both parties value the relationship, this first step can ameliorate the issue. 

Additionally, it's important to ask "why" questions at this stage. It's very possible the behavior is stemming from something personal, so this is your time to listen (if they want to share). Or, if they don't want to share, provide resources of support and time away from work to fix the personal problem causing the problems at work. There are many people who can go through traumatic things and still work every day, but it's rare that you can keep your personal and work lives completely separate. 

Step 2: Monitor the Behavior Change

Change is difficult, but it's doable. Pay attention to how the individual alters their tone or actions to ameliorate the problematic behavior. Any improvement is progress, and be sure you reinforce the positive change (i.e. "I've noticed you've stopped shutting down ideas in meetings, and it's really helping morale..."). In most cases, people want to do and be better, so acknowledging their efforts is important. A personal example: I am super direct, and I was recently told I need to deliver certain messages a little differently. I own that, and gain more confidence with professional growth every time someone praises me for my delivery. The positive reinforcement is helpful and makes me want to continue to do better. 

What if the behavior doesn't change? Or, you've had numerous conversations about the same issue and any improvement is temporary? Unfortunately, now it's time to document. And, it's OK to share with the offender what you've been documenting, or elevate it to another leader if necessary. Honestly, I'm a big documentarian; always have been. I usually have a sixth sense about when I will need to produce receipts (and I'm usually right). When nice isn't working, putting the behavior in writing is sometimes necessary for accountability purposes. Just remember that putting something in writing is a signal to the other party that this is a formality, and something that can go on record. So, if you need someone to change a behavior because it's going to impact whether or not they keep their job, in writing is the way to go. In fact, this formality can even be taken up a notch to be an improvement plan the employee must follow to work through the issue. If there is still no change, it's time to go to step three....

3. Terminate/Separate from the Relationship 

If the toxic employee/client continues with the behavior, even after all of the above is executed, it's time to terminate/separate from the relationship. And, it's best to do this firmly and directly, so the other party understands: 

1. You've attempted communicating the problem. 

2. You've been clear the behavior needed to change because it was affecting the work.

3. The behavior hasn't changed after a significant amount of time, or the behavior continues to backslide. 

In termination/separation conversations, the win/win is off the table because a decision was made by one or both parties that the relationship cannot be saved. Conflict resolution is usually off the table, as well, because the resolve is to terminate/separate. Additionally, since one party's mind is made up, the conversation part is minimal, too (because you've tried this with the other party and it hasn't worked). The goal is to part ways amicably, but based on the personalities involved, this isn't always possible. No matter how well a termination/separation conversation is planned in the speaker's head, it almost never goes as planned. 

One of the most important things I've learned over the years is that the person who calls the termination/separation meeting has the responsibility of laying out the trajectory that got both parties to this point. This can be difficult, as humans tend to interrupt, get upset, and combat this process of laying out the facts. But, at this point, it's important that the person who wants to end the relationship speak first. This can prevent a point-by-point ping pong game of words, or a drawn-out conversation that may result in a full-blown argument. It is important to let the other person respond, but only after the party who called the meeting speaks first. This is a power play, and an imperative one: Let the other party speak, but not at the expense of getting the separation/termination message across.

Regardless of what I just said, this step can get ugly. In fact, I've experienced the ugly (a few times). Again, you cannot control how the other person will react. You can only control how you act. Let the other party have their reaction - they are entitled to their feelings - but maintain confidence in your decision to end the relationship. If you've reached step 3, you should sleep well knowing you've done everything you can to avoid getting here. Yet, here you are. 

One of the best pieces of advice I've received in recent years is to weigh the value of the toxic client/employee relationship with the stress/aggravation they cause, positive work output, and impact on others. If the good outweighs the bad, the relationship is typically worth saving. In other words, spend more time on steps 1 and 2 before throwing in the towel. But, there does get to a point where the bad does outweigh the good, and that's when you need to move to step 3. Toxic employees/clients can take down an organization. Not only do they fail to produce work that yields positive results, but they hinder the productivity and morale of others. And, that's when you need to say enough is enough. Everyone has their limits. Make sure you know yours.